


It Always Comes Back To This

by flightinflame



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Dirk Gently Needs a Hug, M/M, Todd Brotzman is a Good Boyfriend, dirk gently gets a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22070356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flightinflame/pseuds/flightinflame
Summary: Dirk thought leaving would keep the others safe. It turns out they're not ready to let him go.
Relationships: Dirk Gently & Mona Wilder, Todd Brotzman/Dirk Gently
Comments: 18
Kudos: 83
Collections: DGHDA Brave New Year Reverse Bang 2019





	It Always Comes Back To This

**Author's Note:**

> So a huge thanks to the amazing yakichou for the beautiful art ([Here](https://yakichoufd.tumblr.com/post/189998827775/here-is-my-illustration-for-the-dghdabigbang-i)).
> 
> And a gigantic thank you Hellz for organising so many wonderful bangs over the past year, and to lourdesdeath for being an amazing beta, also to triffidsandcuckoos for her support.

"I didn't think you'd find me," Dirk whispered. His voice sounded shakier than he'd like, as he looked around the motel room that he had ended up staying in. Todd's body was pressed close against his: warm, solid and secure, and Dirk pressed his eyes closed in an attempt not to cry.

Todd's hand caressed his shoulder, and for a moment there was silence, before Todd spoke. When he did, his voice shook just a little, although he was trying to hide it.  
"Did you want me to?"

Dirk hesitated, glancing over at the mirror that he'd covered with a blanket. He didn't like seeing mirrors, always afraid that a scientist would be watching him. He'd chosen this place because it was run down, because the rooms were small enough for him to be sure that there were no hidden speakers.

He thought about Todd's question. It sounded so easy when Todd asked. 

Of course he had wanted Todd to find him. Todd, who was his best friend, who cared, who actually liked him even though he was annoying, who made him laugh, who was happy to see him. Who had saved his life, who had pulled him from Blackwing, and who he had saved in Wendimoor. Todd, who was warm, and secure, and who smelled good when he wrapped his arms around him. Todd, who was kind.

But he hadn't wanted Todd to find him. Because for all that Todd was perfect, Dirk wasn't. He was only too aware that his presence put people in danger. That who and what he was might get Todd killed.

"I don't want to hurt you," he murmured, and frowned when Todd's face screwed up in pain, because he didn't want to cause him pain. He'd rather die than cause Todd pain. And that was why he'd left.

"Look, Dirk, I get it. I've been a jerk often enough that I can take someone else doing it. You don't want me around, you just go ahead and say it, and I'll cope. You know, I was excited about the agency, and stuff, but... if you don't want it, I get it. This is a lot for you. Just... Just tell me what's happening, so I know what to do and..."

"It's not that," Dirk interrupted, because he couldn't let them both go into a panic spiral, that way lay madness. No, it was best only one of them was panicking at a time.

"What then?" Todd asked, and there was a hint of anger there, and Dirk cringed from it. He shook his head, and Todd flopped forwards, pressing his face into Dirk's shoulder blade.

"I'm sorry," Dirk whispered.

"Leaving a note saying 'I'm not dead, don't look' was pretty shitty of you, you know that right?" Todd asked, and Dirk nodded. He should have known that Todd wasn't going to pay any attention to his request. 

"Farah and me... and Mona, Mona was distraught, you know? She turned into a sad looking puppy and then she just curled up on Farah's lap and whimpered."

"Not now though?" Dirk asked, glancing towards Todd's wrist which had a watch on.

"Nah, she… She needed to see you."

"Okay," Dirk said after a moment. "She can see me. I'm alive, like I said, and..."

"What are you so scared of? We got you back from Blackwing, and they haven't made any attempts to bother you for weeks... You seemed fine at first, and then you got all weird."

Dirk knew he'd got weird. Over time it had seemed less and less likely that Blackwing was actually through with him. He was sure they were watching him, every time, every moment. That there were cameras he didn't know about, that the people in the next building were spies. He knew he was being irrational - but that was what growing up under observation did to you. He didn't mind being observed himself, but he didn't want Todd hurt.

He swallowed, and tried to cough and clear his throat.  
"They're watching us." That had been made clear when Farah had made a passing comment about the non-disclosure forms that she, Hobbs and Tina had signed, which were proof Blackwing were watching. More than that, they were proof that Blackwing knew who Dirk's friends were, that he was putting them in danger just by knowing them.

"Well let them watch," Todd protested. "I'm not letting them take you away, Dirk. You're my best friend. I'm not letting them kidnap you."

"I don't think we can stop it," Dirk admitted, and Todd squeezed him a little tighter, then cleared his throat.

"We will. That was what all this was about then, you ran away because you thought Blackwing might find us? Because honestly, Dirk, they're more likely to find you on your own, your pseudonyms are terrible and Farah was able to track you..."

Dirk sighed, letting himself go limp against Todd, and taking a slow breath.  
"They were meant to be able to track me. I thought that way they'd... They'd leave you alone. They'd find me, find what they wanted, and... And you'd be safe."

Todd's arms tightened around him.

"And what about you, Dirk? Didn't you consider what might happen if Blackwing found you, and Farah and I weren't there to keep you safe?"

"They'd leave you alone," Dirk answered, and he was shaking, and then there was a small grey kitten on his lap, purring and nuzzling against him, and Todd was holding him tightly, the watch gone from his wrist.

"Dirk, you can't just leave us."

"I mean, obviously I can," Dirk tried to point out, leaning against Todd, feeling safer with the presence of the other man so close to him. He shivered a little, and Todd squeezed him for a moment. "I thought about it. It wasn't just an impulse. You... You mean the world to me, the three of you, and I... I decided that making sure you were safe mattered more than feeling comfortable, so I thought I could just leave and then you'd be free to get on with your life without being in danger and-"

"No," Todd said firmly. "I... I don't want to just get on with my life without you."

"But I can't promise you that knowing me won't put you in danger."

"Dirk?" Todd prodded his shoulder, shifting Dirk in his arms so that he could look into his eyes. "You do realise that within a week of meeting you I had been shot at, stabbed, electrocuted, nearly set on fire, almost impaled on spikes, and almost devoured by a shark? None of which were regular occurrences prior to meeting you, but which are… shark aside... regular occurrences now."

"I remember," Dirk muttered, trying not to panic. That proved his point. Knowing him had simply put Todd in far more danger than he had been in before. His presence was damaging, and now Todd was having to face near-death scenarios with a frequency far above average. "Look, Todd, I know, that's why-"

"That was in our first week." Todd's expression was fairly kind, but as he continued his eyes grew damp with tears. "And then you disappeared. And I hunted for you, constantly, for months, until you were back and things were right again. I wasn't afraid. Before I met you... I was afraid all of the time, but you being here fixed that. You being here made things alright, and now... now I'm not scared. So please, don't leave and say it's a kindness to me, because you're taking away the best thing that I've had, and I get it. If you're tired of me, tired of this - I get it. And I won't force you to stay. But don't... don't you dare leave, and say it’s for my sake, when it’s the cruellest thing you could do to me. Please."

"I... I don't want to hurt you," Dirk muttered, biting back his urge to continue, to say that he loved him, that he'd done it because he'd needed to protect Todd, more even than the others.

"Then don't hurt me?" Todd suggested, half-pleading with him. "Come back home. Come back to the apartment. There's a few leads we can follow up on a case if you want, but... but mostly we just want to see you. Hobbs has been calling - I'm sure he'll visit soon, if you'd like that. And Farah's been frantic, and..."

"I... I'll come home," Dirk agreed, glancing around the motel room as he brushed his fingers through Mona’s soft kitten fur, making her purr loudly. It seemed strange. He couldn't think of the last time he'd had somewhere that was a home, that he belonged. He supposed maybe before Blackwing there had been somewhere, but even then things hadn't felt right. Things hadn't worked, and he'd known that he was somehow a disappointment. That he was wrong, that his connection to the universe made him different, made him unnatural - he'd never felt that way with Todd. 

After choosing to run away, he was choosing to go back. Back to his home, to people that cared about him, to where he belonged. He didn't know what to make of that. But he nodded, and went to put his things back into his bag.

Todd helped him, his hand brushing against Dirk's, as Mona scampered around underfoot, pressing her face into his ankle and meowing delightedly. Dirk patted her, scooping her up and placing her on his shoulder, before grabbing his bag and walking out.

As soon as he left the motel, Farah came rushing towards him, her arms encasing him in another embrace. She pulled back to glare at him.  
"That was... That was unreasonable, Dirk, I was afraid… I mean I thought something might have happened to you. That you might have been hurt and I might have failed to protect you, or something like that. Something disastrous, and it would have been my fault and..." She took a deep breath, and then embraced him again. After a moment, he returned the gesture.

The drive home was quiet, apart from the constant purring that escaped Mona as she curled up on Dirk's lap, as though she was pinning him in place. He patted her, watching out of the window as Farah drove, and Todd kept an eye on him in the mirror. He didn't know what to say. How he could apologise, how he could explain. He didn't want to admit how afraid he was to Farah - he couldn't have her doubting herself.

"It's alright," Todd said firmly, twisting to face him. "We'll get home, and we'll order pizza from that place you like, and... do you want me to stay over in your room? If you're that scared? We can look into extra security or..."

"No, that… you staying would help, if you don't mind." He felt guilty as soon as he'd said it, but it had been Todd's suggestion, and he really didn't want to miss out on this opportunity. If Todd was alright with letting him sleep near him, he'd do it. It would at least stop him from worrying that Blackwing had somehow captured his friends while he slept.

"Okay, sure, no I can do that," Todd promised, and twisted back to look over his shoulder at the back seat. Dirk tried to persuade himself that this was a completely logical plan, and that it would work. More than that though, he pressed down the anxiety that was bubbling inside of himself, and reminded himself that Todd was offering because he was a friend, and keeping someone safe from the lab that had stolen their childhood was a friendly thing to do. There was nothing more to Todd's offer in his mind. And Dirk had to remember that, before he did something awful like blurt out his crush, because if they did that his friends would probably drop him back at the motel. 

Well, they wouldn't drop him off at the motel, because that would be an awful thing to do, and his friends weren't awful, they were amazing. But they would be awkward and uncomfortable, and try to nicely suggest he find someone else to stay with. Which wasn't anywhere near as bad as dropping him at the motel, but still a lot less good than being with them all the time. So no flirting. He would remember that.

They arrived back at the agency, and Farah went to order the pizza as Todd helped Dirk to unpack.  
"You need to stay in my room? Or you want me to go here?" Todd asked, natural as anything.

"Can you... Could you stay here? I kept having nightmares about before, about Mister Priest... and if I get used to being here with you, maybe it'll make it less scary to be in here on my own? If that's alright with you?" Dirk asked, embarrassed, but Todd was offering, and he had to believe that Todd was offering because he wanted to help.

"Sure." Todd smiled at him. "Thanks. For letting me help."

Dirk nodded, not sure how else to respond, when he almost wanted to laugh at that. At the idea that somehow he was doing Todd a favour by needing him.

He was saved from answering by Farah calling out, and he rushed over to open the door and take the pizzas.

For a moment, opening the box, he worried that they might have been drugged. He knew that Blackwing had drugged his food before, when he was younger. It would be easy for them to repeat those experiments now, use his friends as comparisons... He shuddered.

Todd reached out and stole a slice while Dirk was distracted, eating it. He didn't seem to be affected, didn't pass out or lose consciousness, which was a reassurance at least. 

Dirk tried a slice. The pizza tasted good. Farah insisted on putting on a soothing documentary about the First World War, and things seemed normal.

Eventually, they headed to bed. Todd heading to get changed into pyjamas before followed Dirk to his room.  
"You're still okay with this?" Todd asked in the doorway. He was wearing the blue pyjamas covered in ducks that Dirk had picked out for him, and which he insisted he hated.

"I am. Are you? I know I'm asking a lot." 

"I want to be here," Todd promised, going to climb into the side of the bed that Dirk wasn't using. Dirk looked at him, uncertain for a moment, before he laid in as well, his body rigid with tension and fear.

Todd reached out and squeezed his shoulder.  
"You can relax. I'm here, you're safe."

Dirk nodded, curling onto his side, and trusting Todd.

***

During the night, he shifted closer to him, clinging to him like a koala. It was the kind of thing that sounded romantic in books, but given that Dirk was in possession of a large length of limbs, with very little in the way of coordination, for Todd it must have felt more like being embraced by an octopus. A particularly cuddly octopus.

A particularly cuddly octopus that was both affectionate, and a little afraid that if it let go, the object of its affection might disappear, and therefore was determined to cling even tighter.

Todd groaned as he woke up to this particular embrace, wondering if escape was possible without either the use of a crowbar, or some kind of chloroform. After a moment's consideration, in which he contemplated living the rest of his life being cuddled by an overly affectionate Dirk, he decided that this wasn't an appropriate longer-term lifestyle. Which meant he was going to need to escape.

He reached up, and prodded Dirk on the nose.

Dirk whined, ducking his head, and clinging tighter for a moment, before his eyes fluttered open.  
"Hello Todd."

"Hello Dirk,." Todd smiled, not thinking of that time in the police station in Bergsberg, when Dirk had slept as though he was a frozen plank, flat on his back with his arms at his side and the sheets tight underneath him. This wasn't Bergsberg, and they'd grown. Then, Dirk was only a few hours out of Blackwing. Now, he was a few weeks.

Dirk was still a fucking mess. Dirk was going to continue to be a mess, because it turns out you couldn't kidnap an eight year old, force them to endure ten years of experiments, and then have them escape, only to recapture them for further torture, without causing permanent mental damage. Which... actually, Todd could have guessed, so he didn't know how Blackwing hadn't realised. But whatever. Dirk was his mess, and he was going to take good care of him. Because Dirk deserved that. Dirk had been through so much shit, and Todd had decided that stopped now. Todd was going to be something good in Dirk's life, and he was going to ensure that there were other good things as well.

"You're here! I mean, of course you're here..." Dirk muttered, seeming to register the extent to which he was clinging to Todd. Todd smiled at him, still half asleep, and Dirk grinned but released him. His hair was stuck up in all directions, and Todd couldn't resist reaching out and poking it flat again.

"Thanks," Dirk whispered.

"It's okay." Todd reached out and squeezed Dirk's hand. He knew he needed to not fuck up Dirk's life, but when he had been searching, he'd come to a couple of realisations. One was that Dirk was the joint best thing that had ever happened to him, alongside Amanda's arrival in his life. Todd had already assumed that, but he'd given it some thought and now he was more sure than ever.

The second was that he was in love with Dirk. Utterly, totally, and hopelessly. And Farah, who apparently had worked all this out months ago, had told him he should tell Dirk. When he'd mentioned he was afraid it wouldn't be reciprocated, she had pointed out that Dirk would see not mentioning it as a lie. Dirk had had enough lies.

"Your hair's sticking up," Todd told him, because he'd never exactly been great at flirting. Then he cleared his throat and tried again. "Looks good on you though. Dirk, I... I'm glad you came home. Because you made me a better person, and you make my life interesting, but more than that, Dirk... I'm just in love with you."

"Like… as a friend?" Dirk asked, and Todd felt like he'd been punched, but he smiled and nodded.

"Sure, as a friend if you want. I just thought I'd let you know."

"Let me know what?" Dirk frowned. "You're not making any sense. You say you love me then... You mean you love me as not-a-friend?" Dirk looked at him incredulously. "Like... Like a brother or..."

"I'm... We can do it how you want Dirk. But no, not like a brother. Not like... No. Just like..." Todd shrugged, feeling defeated. "I just love you."

"Romantically?"

"Yes, Dirk." Todd sighed, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. This had all been a dreadful mistake, and he wondered if there was some way he could get a do-over.

Dirk reached out, tilted his head up, then leaned in and brushed their lips together for a moment.  
"Well, if that's the case, I want you to know I love you romantically too."

"No you don't," Todd said with a frown. "You're just... I'm your friend, I shouldn't have-"

"I do. I said so." Dirk glared at him. "I love Farah, but as a friend. Mona I love as a friend, and as a sister, but that's different. And I love you as a friend, of course, and romantically." He crossed his arms. "So Todd, if you're really going to stand there and tell me I don't know what's going on, well, you're wrong."

"Oh." Todd looked at him.

"Oh," Dirk echoed, and ducked his head. "Sorry, that all came out a little more aggressive than I had intended, and I... I'm sorry, you don't need me saying things like that, and-"

Todd leaned over, and brushed his lips against Dirk's. After a second, he felt Dirk smile in response, leaning in and kissing him fondly.

It was a few seconds before they pulled apart, and Dirk looked him in the eye.  
"I see, well, I'll need to consider that but....it all looks like it could be... yes, I think so." He cleared his throat.

"You want me to make some pancakes?" Todd offered, and Dirk nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, thank you. I think some food is exactly what we need." He licked his lips. "And pancakes would be lovely, darling."

Todd shook his head fondly, and headed to the kitchen.


End file.
